DON'T TALK SUCH SHITE!

Recently I've taken to reading the gumph on the backs (and fronts) of the products that find their way into our kitchen cupboards. Most of what they write is either badly written, or just plain bollocks. Some of it is such shite that it makes me want to go out and find the people who write it and shake them by the shoulders until there features shift a couple of degrees.

Here's three to start off with - feel free to add your own.

Found on the back of a packet of CLIPPER PURE GREEN TEA.

CLIPPER
Natural, Fair & Delicious
Clipper products are made with pure ingredients and a clear conscience.
We use only the highest-quality sources, add nothing artificial and strive to improve the welfare of the workers. No wonder they taste so good.

Read that last sentence again. NO WONDER THEY TASTE SO GOOD. The 'THEY' being the workers referred to in the previous sentence. Up until I read the blurb on the back of the packet I'd always felt the Clipper were a well respected and trusted product, but I'm not so sure now.

For a start off, the slaughtering, cooking and consuming of their workers clearly disqualifies them from suggesting their behaviour is 'fair'. And are they - as practising cannibals - really able to claim to have 'a clear conscience.' Shame on them.

Nivea FITNESS Shower Gel.

I tried this product and didn't feel any fitter, in fact I was knackered from all the showering. Plus, I stubbed my big toe on the shower tray. Shite.

And finally,
Iams Adult Hairball 1+ Years Proactive Nutrition Cat Biscuits.
Flavour: Succulent Roast Chicken.

I can now confirm that these cat biscuits are not succulent nor is there any evidence of roasting or indeed chicken, in them. If anything they taste a bit fishy and they're very dry. After consuming several I had a raging thirst and found myself slurping greedily from the cat's water bowl. Not to be recommended.
However, there is a positive: I haven't coughed up a single hairball since trying this particular product. Which is a good thing.