NEW OFFER

Hi all,
I've been looking over the old post that encouraged you to try and recruit other people to my blog. Although the response was not as promising as I'd hoped (i.e. no one recruited anyone), I remain undaunted. We Tuffins are a tenacious bunch, if not a little fat. So, here's the new offer: I will pay anyone a million pounds if they get one or more people to sign up. I'm also offering free holidays to the Bahamas, a world cruise, or a month in a sixteen bedroom villa in the heart of Tuscany, complete with servants and staff. If that doesn't wet your appetite, I'll throw in a shopping spree to Oxford Street in London for two and a £1000 to spend while you're there. You'll also get two tickets to a West End show of your choice plus an invitation to the after performance party.
So, there it is. What are you waiting for? Recommend (or force) a friend now and win one of the many exciting prices listed above.

DON'T TALK SUCH SHITE!

Recently I've taken to reading the gumph on the backs (and fronts) of the products that find their way into our kitchen cupboards. Most of what they write is either badly written, or just plain bollocks. Some of it is such shite that it makes me want to go out and find the people who write it and shake them by the shoulders until there features shift a couple of degrees.

Here's three to start off with - feel free to add your own.

Found on the back of a packet of CLIPPER PURE GREEN TEA.

CLIPPER
Natural, Fair & Delicious
Clipper products are made with pure ingredients and a clear conscience.
We use only the highest-quality sources, add nothing artificial and strive to improve the welfare of the workers. No wonder they taste so good.

Read that last sentence again. NO WONDER THEY TASTE SO GOOD. The 'THEY' being the workers referred to in the previous sentence. Up until I read the blurb on the back of the packet I'd always felt the Clipper were a well respected and trusted product, but I'm not so sure now.

For a start off, the slaughtering, cooking and consuming of their workers clearly disqualifies them from suggesting their behaviour is 'fair'. And are they - as practising cannibals - really able to claim to have 'a clear conscience.' Shame on them.

Nivea FITNESS Shower Gel.

I tried this product and didn't feel any fitter, in fact I was knackered from all the showering. Plus, I stubbed my big toe on the shower tray. Shite.

And finally,
Iams Adult Hairball 1+ Years Proactive Nutrition Cat Biscuits.
Flavour: Succulent Roast Chicken.

I can now confirm that these cat biscuits are not succulent nor is there any evidence of roasting or indeed chicken, in them. If anything they taste a bit fishy and they're very dry. After consuming several I had a raging thirst and found myself slurping greedily from the cat's water bowl. Not to be recommended.
However, there is a positive: I haven't coughed up a single hairball since trying this particular product. Which is a good thing.

Yippee! Steve's Hosting A Funeral!

I’ve been pondering death lately – I’ve even been working on a play about it called, aptly, Death Play. At least that’s what the file on my laptop is called. I suspect I’ll come up with something a bit more poncey or obscure when I finish it: ‘Single-Seater Fluge’ for example. I’ve no idea what a fluge is or if they make them as single-seaters, but a play’s title should work as a hook to draw the audience in. That’s what I’m always telling my students, anyway.

Working along those lines and with an eye on increasing audience numbers it might be worth re-thinking a play’s title and adapting it to suit potential audiences. I know that’s what the U.S film industry does. So, let’s say I’m lucky enough to get Death Play produced. And let’s also say that the opening night is a Saturday night in any one of a number of towns where the weekend entertainment includes lager, chicken madras and a late night ride in the back of a meat wagon. ‘Death Play’ or Single-Seater Fluge, as it now is, wouldn’t cause much of a stir among the beer-swilling, curry-noshing violence-doing local populace. But what if it was called: Curry my Lager you Fat Slag! I’m guessing the audience would swell considerably.

Of course, should my play make it to the West End it would have to have another name change, something along the lines of: Joseph and his Amazing Phantom of The Opera Meets Starlight Express, Evita and Jesus Christ, on Sunset Boulevard Whilst out Walking His Cats. Or: JAHAPOTOMSEEAJCOSBWOWHC as it would become known to gazillions of ardent theatregoers.

Anyway, back to death and thoughts on it. I've discovered that death often crops up in my day-to-day musings. I think about it more often than I’d be prepared to admit (even though I have just admitted it).
Over the past few years I’ve been giving much thought to my funeral and I’ve come up with what I think is the perfect funereal experience.

Picture this: the crematorium is crammed to the rafters with weeping mourners all of whom are absolutely inconsolable since hearing of my untimely exit from Planet Earth. I haven’t figured out how I’d like to go yet but I’m thinking along the lines of a KFC bargain-bucket-related food eating scandal of some kind.

So, there you all are, dressed as Tarts and Vicars when the chief mourner – a giant Samoan lady wearing a gold lamay jumpsuit and six inch sling-backs – appears at the back of the crowd on a litter carried by seven dwarves dressed as seventies pop legends, The Village People. Ok, so, there were only five Village People, but I’m going to add two more. One will be dressed as a Tory MP, complete with a Satsuma jammed in his mouth and a fishnet stocking over his head, and the other one will be a Judy Garland looky-likey.

Following on behind the chief mourner will be my coffin which will be made of recycled cardboard, bits of string, paper, tin foil and egg boxes. It will make its way to the rolling platform at the front of the crematorium apparently unaided but will in fact be on tiny wheels, which are fixed at each corner of the coffin and driven (ably) by a man at the back of the room who has a first class honours degree in remote control car driving. His name will be Melvin Scrote, although I’m not sure how I know this to be so. TO BE CONTINUED...

Great News For My Army Of Followers!

Great news army of five! With the rapidly static non-increasing-any-time-soon situation that I, your fabulous leader is facing, I thought I'd see if I couldn't rustle up some extra recruits by making you all an offer you can't refuse.

This week is: Introduce a Friend Week.

Yes, exciting news isn't it? For one week only I'm offering you, loyal follower, the chance to become an elite member of Sensei Buffoon! with your very own personalised tribute written by me.

That's right! For every new member you introduce to Sensei Buffoon! you'll get a personalised tribute (written by me) exclusively for and about you! Not only that, but I'll publish it on Sensei Buffoon! for all the world to see.

Imagine the look of awe, admiration, lust, hatred, envy and lust on the faces of your friends when they read all the fabulous lies I'm willing to write about you. Your popularity among everyone you know, and even among everyone you don't know, will escalate to unimaginable heights. People will sit at your feet and worship you. Little children will want to be just like you when they grow up. Your partner (be they your business partner or the other kind) will suddenly find you attractive again. Your life will change for the better and all because of the fabulous rubbish I'm willing to say about you.

So don't delay. Drag, coax or cajole a friend along to Sensei Buffoon! and sit back and reap the benefits of your very own personalised Sensei Buffoon! Tribute.

Chicken or Egg?

Good question: I'm going for chicken and I'll tell you why. I like chicken and I like egg. However I don't like all parts of an egg but I do like all parts of a chicken (except the egg part). I particularly like the KFC part of any chicken. I know KFC is not good for me and I know it's deep fried etc. but I come from a time when it was perfectly acceptable to spread beef fat onto white bread, season it liberally with salt and pepper and scoff the lot!

And look at me, I am the epitome of good health: aside from the arthritis, and the high blood pressure and my on-off relationship with apnoea.
So there it is. It's the chicken for me every time.

An Introduction.

Hello
AN INTRODUCTION: PLUS, WONDERFUL NEWS FOR MOTORISTS.
Just recently I've been looking at the world with increasing confusion. Do you remember those picture books at school that had images of Neanderthal Man in them? He'd always be in profile so that his overhanging brow looked as if it might tip over his beady little cave man eyes at any moment. Well, that's how I look for most of the time. The expression on my face is a cross between unbridled stupidity and utter confusion. Very much like how I'd imagine my Neanderthal Man must have looked on the day he first clapped his beady eyes on the scantily clad Rachel Welch as she ran (suggestively) past the mouth of his cave closely followed by a rampant dinosaur.

I now spend a good deal of my time gawping at the ever-changing world with a mixture of awe, curiosity and fear. What is more, with every day that passes, I'm discovering that my confusion is slowly giving way to a much darker emotion - anger. So I thought: how can I vent this new-found anger? How best to cope with it? Should I bottle it up? Should I go to Speakers' Corner? Should I pay a psychoanalyst to bore into my brain and tell me why I'm so angry? But then I thought a bit more and realised that bottling things up causes heart attacks: Speakers' Corner is too far away and speaking to a psychoanalyst is far too expensive. Luckily a friend of mine happened to mention that she wrote a blog. That was it! A cheap and cheerful alternative. I might even get some replies with tips on anger management. What could be better?

So, with the idea of saving oodles of pennies I set about creating this, my very first blog. The title of my blog: 'SENSEI BUFFOON!' took me an age to choose, but I think it explains me rather well. I am a kind-of teacher but also a bit of a goon (or buffoon). But despite these two handicaps I have come to the conclusion that I really should be running this country (and eventually the entire world). I definitely know more about everything than anyone else. So, this little blog is where I begin my campaign to rule the world and put everybody straight. However SENSEI BUFFOON! won't only be about my desire for world dominance and correcting those of you that think (hilariously) that you know better than me. No. I'll also be taking a look at what's happening in my world and you'll be party to a selection of my most profound thoughts and ideas. I bet you can't wait! And, as an added extra, I'm hoping that you might find my blog amusing. However, let us not forget, for the most part the topics I shall be discussing on here will be of an extremely important nature. And I shall be offering some fascinating solutions to as yet unsolved problems. For all of you who chose to follow me, your journey is at an end. Just relax, your search is over. I am the answer.

Let's begin with that favourite and most interesting of topics: Road Safety.

Do any of you remember the rather chilling Ministry of Transport advert on TV aimed at getting motorists to slow down? The opening scene was of a young girl of about seven lying by the side of the road: her mangled frame wrapped around a rather lovely looking oak tree. It quickly transpired that the little girl had been knocked down and left for dead by some boy racer type motorist. I'm guessing he was a council house tenant on route to his local Social Security Office in order to pick up his giro - before paying a visit to a drug dealer's house for his weekly supply of weed.
Anyway, as the advert progresses we learn (via the power of the voice over) that, had 'Drugy McGiro-Boy' been paying attention instead of trying to drive, roll a spliff and skin up at all the same time, the little girl would have lived. If only our benefits-grabbing-drug-addled-council-house-renting motorist had stuck to the 30mph speed limit the poor broken little girl would still be making her way to wherever it was she was making her way to. Who would have thought it? Something as simple as adhering to the speed limit could actually save countless young lives. It's got to be a good thing, hasn't it?

Well, yes, but then I got thinking. The next time I see a child crossing the road, and I'm late for an appointment at my chiropodists, do I actually have to stop? Surely, if I just slow down to around twenty-five mph, the collision won't be a fatal one. Everyone wins. The child, having lived through a near death experience, will be the wiser for it and I will not be late for my much needed bunion-paring session.

Cats: Are They As Smart As They'd Have Me Believe?

I've been musing. My musing took place in my back garden because I use the front garden for cleaning the car, talking to my neighbours Pat and Mike and for storing my rubbish. I sometimes use the front garden for other functions but for the life of me I can't think what. Does this mean I need to write a blog about my front garden? Yes. It probably does.

Now. To the question in hand - Cats: Are They As Smart As They'd Have Me Believe?
This is a fairly easy question to answer. However, I intend to make a right meal of it. I believe cats aren't smart at all. Let's look at some of the facts.

Just about all of the evidence in favour of cats being smart is attributable to the Little Old Lady (LOL) Theory. This is a theory in which a LOL attributes their cat's failure to obey the simplest of commands as an indication of some kind of intelligent thought process. This is a mistake on the part of the LOL and the millions of cat lovers who listen to them without questioning the LOL's sanity (or their credentials when dealing with the cranial goings-on of the cat as a species). I shall be exploring LOLs sanity and other befuddled aspects of their life in a future post which I'm titling: LOLs: Are They As Smart As They'd Have Me Believe Or Nuttier Than A Jar of SunPat Peanut Butter?

The following is a transcript of a conversation that never happened between two LOL's I'm calling Edna and Irene. It will illustrate my point and make me look clever despite evidence to the contrary. A bit like how being a cat works.

EDNA:Oh, yes, that's typical of our cat. He won't do a single thing we tell him to do. He's SO independent.
IRENE: Well, Edna, that's cats all over isn't it? They're highly intelligent, you know. Not like dogs. Dogs are daft.
EDNA: Oh, don't talk to me about dogs, Reen. I can't abide dogs.
IRENE: Nor me. They've no backbone. Not like cats. Cats do have a backbone.
EDNA: That's right, Reen. They do. And lungs. And a liver. But dogs!
IRENE: Do they not have lungs and liver's, Ed?
EDNA: I expect so, Reen. But they're only copying cats.
IRENE: Is that where the term 'copycat' comes from, do you think?
EDNA: I do, Reen. In fact, I'd put my bingo money on it.
IRENE: Oh, don't do that, Ed. That would be foolish.
EDNA: You're right, Reen. It would be foolish. It's the type of thing a dog might do.
IRENE: That's true. Dogs love to gamble. My daughter-in-law has a picture of a group of dogs seated around a table playing cards and smoking cigarettes.
EDNA: Were any of the dogs Beagles, Reen?
IRENE: I think there might have been one or two Beagles, Ed, yes. Why do you ask?
EDNA: Well, Beagles are known for it. Beagles love a good fag.
IRENE: Well, I never knew that. You see, you wouldn't catch a cat playing cards and smoking a cigarette, would you, Ed?
EDNA: Goodness know. They're far to intelligent to gamble and smoke.
IRENE: Not in front of humans, at any rate.
EDNA: That's right, Reen. They'd wait until we weren't looking.
IRENE: Exactly, Edna. And that is why cats are smarter than dogs.

And there you have it. Using the LOL Theory I have established beyond reasonable (or unreasonable) doubt that cats are as thick as two, or even three, short planks. And that old ladies, especially Irene and Edna, are stupid or senile, or both.